From June 13 to 18, I attended a 5-day meditation retreat at the Dharma Drum Mountain Center in Fremont, led by Dr. Rebecca Li. It was my first time practicing at Dharma Drum Mountain for multiple days. Although I’ve had one retreat experience before, this time I still felt refreshed by being fully immersed in the practice, with a clear daily schedule and shared silence. I also realized that I hadn’t lived in a community environment for a long time, and that the structure and rules could make me feel a bit tense.
One of the most valuable moments came from an interview with Rebecca. I shared that, during meditation, certain images sometimes arise. My usual tendency is either to engage with them—analyzing why they are there—or to gradually let them go. But if I let them go too soon, I worry that I might be skipping the “let it through, let it be” process and, in a way, avoiding them. Hence, there is almost a dilemma about what to do with those thoughts and images. Rebecca encouraged me to consider another approach: simply stay with the experience. Not engaging, not avoiding—just staying—and allowing whatever needs to reveal itself to do so in its own time. This idea of staying opened a new space for me to relate to my inner experiences.
I also found the Silent Illumination method both challenging and deeply kind, if I’m understanding it correctly. Its all-inclusive, gentle focusing felt like being welcomed exactly as I was. When my mind wandered, I didn’t have to force anything away. I could simply open a little more space—bringing in the sensations of my body and breath—until the “distraction” and the awareness could rest together in the present moment. This “adding” instead of “leaving” felt less like correcting myself and more like offering myself kindness, and that sense of gentle permission is something I want to carry forward in my practice.
In a way, this retreat reminded me that practice is not about chasing clarity or pushing things away, but more about having the patience and trust to simply stay. I am very grateful for everybody who practiced with me and for all the teachings.
Fengmei L.
